uhauls and grandmas made me cry today

A uhaul made me cry today.

My grandma made me cry today (well she didn’t literally make me cry, she’s really nice and it’s not her fault). This is just me processing what happened today. I know when I get emotional about random menial things, something is really going on. But, uhauls and grandmas aren’t real reasons to cry. These are usually good things? I mean, how smart is it to have a system of transportation that gets stuff places for cheap. Now that’s a great moving and storage resource. And grandmas! They’re just the oldest and the cutest. We love them all. But, I was painfully crying over these things. My eyes stung and my heart felt deep and sad.

Weird. I see uhauls all the time and think of my grandma often. What’s up with the silly, nearly comical, emotions. I felt so dumb telling Zo the reason for my sadness. “I’m- I’m sad because… we don’t get a uhaul.” Now, don’t I sound like a child. It reminds me of those videos of kids crying for ridiculous reasons like they couldn’t hold 26 pens in their hand, or their parents wouldn’t let them play with a kitchen knife. We scoff at their breakdowns and feel for their parents who just roll their eyes at their toddler. “I’m also sad because… I wrote my grandma a letter today.” More tears came. Sometimes I just wonder how he puts up with me during this. I would, like the toddlers’ parents, roll my eyes and laugh.

I’ll stick up for myself for a minute. Today was a perfectly great day! Nothing crazy happened, I wasn’t tired. I was actually feeling quite happy and close to Jesus. I think this is why He chose this moment to let me feel. This happens to me quite often with the Lord. I struggle to understand my emotions or feelings so I just ask Him to help. And yeah, this probably doesn’t look like it makes sense because it’s such an unconventional way to learn, but it’s how we do it so whatever. I’ve learned to anticipate these kinds of lessons now because of their strangeness and distinction.

Okay, here’s how it went. Saw friend packing up their belongings in a uhaul to move across the country. Oh cool, they can put all their stuff in the uhaul and just unload it when they get there. *cue overwhelming rush of feelings and the tightness in back of throat when you want to cry.* Uhh, okay? Tries to reason with one self. Maybe I’m just sad my friends are leaving and excited for their new beginning. Maybe I’m just feeling what they’re feeling and what their family feels. Oh okay. Says a prayer. Thank you, God. Be with them! Moves on with rest of day. End scene. So that’s how it went. Now, the grandma thing is what really got me. I won’t go into detail, but it really didn’t have much to do with what my grandma did. I was simply writing her a cute card to mail to her because I think that’s cute to do sometimes. Why today of all days did I decide that? No idea.

Okay, one more thing I need to explain that will make things click and might make you laugh at me and question my emotional maturity. That’s why I’ve waited this late to include these pieces of information because now were too far in. Okay, so I’m moving soon. Like, moving to a different country with a time zone difference of 6 hours kinda moving. Might see my family in a couple years kinda moving. Yet, this kinda moving is normal for me to see in my circle of close friends or distant friends or older friends, but now it’s literally me… kinda moving. If you’ve moved far away before did you cry when you saw uhauls or wrote your grandma? Lemme know, I need to know that this is normal. So, when this moment happened I too, like you when you found out the important last bit of information, was like “ohhhh.” This is why I crying (currently still feel like a child so excuse me).

I think I’m sad about leaving. Not just leaving, but the leaving behind and giving up of things. People. Places. Uhauls. My grandmas chances to see her future grandkids. Are you crying now because I’m trying not to. In the moment, I quickly thought of mourning and loss and that this is how it probably feels sometimes. I thought about needing to research biblical mourning and what verses are tied to that. Maybe walking through the 5-steps of mourning, because that might help? Have I done that? No. Please remind me later. I tried to stay in the moment and not let this “feelings opportunity” pass me by. I’ve grown tired of suppressing emotions, it’s just not helpful anymore. I chose to feel the feelings and give up things because there is no way I am not moving to where I feel called to go. I have to go. I won’t let uhaul preferences and family expectations hold me back from what I have to do. I could feel my face growing stern and my shoulders tense. I tried to harden my heart against those feelings God pressed on me earlier, and then He spoke quickly before it was too late.

“You don’t have to.”

I knew this wasn’t a releasing of plans and what God had spoken to me before, but it definitely released my heart from where it was headed. It was headed towards the pit of self-will and obligation and “I have to,” which is not a very life-giving place. I felt pressure and fear leave. I know exactly where I was standing in the kitchen and where it feel off at. Phew, that feels better. I breathed.

”Now, do you want to?”

Tough question. This is one of my very own discipleship questions I use on people, and now it’s being used on me. Blast. What do I want? I stood silent in the kitchen and remembered about 7 years worth of His promises, goodness, trustworthiness, answered prayers, gifts, blessings, and sweet nourishing words all in about 7 seconds. A little overwhelming. Man, I really want to keep doing this with God. What I was crying about earlier seemed almost incomparable. I didn’t feel a twinge of sadness or shortcoming or entitlement or lack or lesser-than anymore. I just felt my heart and mind give in to the presence that was around me. I actually do want Him and I do want to trust. My heart got all mushy, I could feel it. Y’all know what it feels like too, don’t laugh (I’m doing a bad job at articulating a heart change that happened inside me and will be monumental for me later but I need to remember this moment so it’s okay, but I hope you guys get it later). I told Jesus I trust Him with all the things. When I was writing to my grandma and crying, my favorite song came on (of course) that is written about my favorite verse (of course). 🙄

I lean not on my own understanding (Proverbs 3:5-6)

My life is in the hands of The Maker of heaven

I give it all to You, God

Trusting that You'll make something beautiful out of me

There's nothing I hold on to

Sorry, we got deep in the emotions and feels and I even pulled out worship song lyrics (& added a link to listen to maybe as you read and ponder God’s heart for you🙈). But that’s what happened. I know I will try to chose right, what is needed or what God has already told me without all the feelings going on. Even with that, God is kind to still protect my heart from myself. If only it would stay that way. 🥴 I’m thankful for uhauls and letters to grandma that help me chose what I want, not what I have to do— what I want to do. I pray that I chose to want God. Just simply want Him. Because I know that’s what He wants.